D Graymeme
by Trayne
Summary: It was a story about war. It was a story about horror and mankind. ...Then it hit the internet. It has become a story of lulz. A series of drabbles about the infamous lines that should have never come into existence. Now with glorious yuri flavor!
1. JESUS CHRIST

Welcome one and all! Please to be enjoying this as I destroy your internets painfully and slowly.

And don't ask why this has come to be. Just. Don't. Ask.

Disclaimer: Dear god, I don't own D. Grayman! Otherwise it would be totally seinen with the amount of smut that could be fit into it. THANKS A LOT LAVI.

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The mission was supposed to be simple. Surely nothing that could shake the successor to Bookman; the one who let feelings pass through him like water, so as to record the unwritten history of the world without fail.

On a tip from French Finders, the small group found themselves in the desolate wilds of Algeria, where Akuma attacks were said to have been growing due to the presence of Innocence. More frightening, however, was that while there was no definite sign of there being someone controlling the Innocence, some Akuma were found to be destroyed or damaged.

Komui suggested it was possible that the Innocence could be a Parasite-type, which made finding it all that more urgent. While rare, those kind of Innocence were reported to possess living creatures besides humans. General Cloud Nine was the only known Exorcist who could control such Innocence, due to the danger presented by it not being in direct contact with a human host.

Lavi was certain that they had found the Innocence. He smirked as he hoisted Tessai onto a shoulder and sauntered over to where he could hear growling coming from behind a few rocks. It sounded like the Innocence was taking care of the last of the Level 1's that were trying to destroy it; a pair of Level 2's were behind Lavi, blackened and smoking before they disintegrated and freed the souls trapped within.

The red-haired boy was certain the growling and furious gunshots he was wearing were coming from the desperate Akuma, but as he approached the scuffle only the gunfire died off.

"Eh…?"

A scarlet eyebrow rose over his singular green eye. A prickling began from the back of his neck all the down to his spine. Something was not right here.

Lavi turned past the rocks and came face to face with the Innocence.

* * *

Bookman looked up from where he sat smoking a cigarette atop a small rock pile when he heard a high-pitched but masculine scream come from the direction the boy went. While the small group of Finders looked around in concern, he merely blinked calmly and exhaled a long stream of smoke.

"Took him long enough," he muttered, reaching inside his long sleeves and pulling out his personally issued golem.

Komui's concerned voice crackled over the radio. "Bookman! What's going on? Have you found the Innocence-?"

"Sir, shouldn't we go help Lavi?"

"That won't be necessary. We've found it, Komui, I'll be restraining it shortly."

"Restrain -? It's possessed an animal-?!"

The little old man sighed smoke as a shrieking dust cloud came into view, headed straight for the Exorcist and group of Finders.

"Sir, that's -!"

"Oh my god!"

"Oh shi- !"

"JESUS CHRIST IT'S A LION!"

"Was that Lavi-?!"

A red-and-black blur flew past Bookman, making his solitary lock of hair flap wildly though he sat there unmoved.

"What the fu-?"

"_**GET IN THE CAR – SHIT!**_"

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Fun fact: Lavi was going to say 'cart', but apparently one doesn't get to finish sentences when lions are involved.


	2. SHOW ME YO MOVES

Lavi gritted his teeth in annoyance. It just wasn't fair! Ever since Allen's Innocence had evolved for the second time he had gained like a million new attacks. It was as though Allen had been modified by God and was virtually indestructible.

Lenalee landed nearby, panting even though she hadn't been hit. Allen refused to hurt her, but at the same time she couldn't land a single hit with her Dark Boots.

_Looks like we have no choice…_

Symbols written in Chinese spun around the Bookman successor. Lenalee glanced towards him, met his eye and nodded in understanding. The butterfly wings at her ankles burst with a renewed light as she charged; the symbols around Lavi stopped, and he swung his hammer down on the insignia for fire.

"Lenalee! Do it now!"

"Right! I'm sorry, Allen!"

"Wha-?"

"Gōka Kaijin: Hiban!"

Before Allen could ask, Lavi's flame serpent flew straight at him, low along the ground. Allen braced himself to receive the attack by covering himself in the Crown Cloth, but the shape of the flames changed.

Gone was the serpent; the fire had instead turned into what looked the fiery wings of a bird of prey, it's sharp beak being none other than Lenalee who flew at him boot first.

"FALCON KIIICK!"

Lavi cheered as Allen was engulfed in flames and sent flying out of their makeshift arena. "Lavi and Lenalee's Super Sexy Combo Attack, STRIKE!"

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Fun fact: There were two references in this one! Did YOU catch it?


	3. LEAVE HIM TO ME

It didn't take long for Lavi to return, discarding his black and silver ornamental priestly garb on the bed and stalking over to stand with Kanda and Allen at the window. The Japanese Exorcist didn't overlook the menacing posture and stern, focused expression Lavi sported, and a black brow slightly rose in curiosity as he wondered what could have happened to tick off the usually aloof idiot.

"Alright, so there's four guys guarding the Innocence and the English government won't give it to us because they're Protestant." Lavi nodded down at the gated church, indicating the men in the courtyard on either side of the large doors that led inside the facility. "Guys on the left are Langsley and Bond, guys on the right are Whitaker and Morton."

Lavi paused, and having discarded the white gloves he wore while impersonating a priest, he took his short fingerless pair out of a pocket and pulled them with more fervor than was necessary. He never took his gaze away from their targets, and he flexed his fingers and cracked his knuckles. "Any suggestions?"

Kanda's grip tightened around Mugen's hilt, Lavi's negative energy fueling his own into a slowly brewing storm of agitation. Whatever had happened, someone was going to get their ass kicked, and he couldn't object to that. He could feel the adrenaline beginning to surge, making him eager to get on with the mission. "I'll take the ones on the right."

Allen, who also seemed to have noticed the different air around his red-headed friend, shifted nervously and looked between Lavi and the guards. Clearly, he wasn't too keen on violence without justification, but at the same time he didn't really want to know whatever had happened to make him think that Lavi – cheerful, fun-loving, _good_ Lavi – could and would rip someone's head off with his bare hands.

Though there was that dark side of Allen that didn't object to a little unadulterated violence. The same side that would sometimes bubble up to the surface after countless hours of gambling among harlots and drunks earning money for a master's debt even though he would only spend it on _more_ harlots and drinks-

Allen shook his head, his imagination running away with him, and gulped, pushing down those homicidal urges – for the time being, anyway. He looked over the men Lavi had named and felt pity for what was about to befall them. Far be it from him to willingly join Kanda and Lavi in this manslaughter, but they had a job to do, and do it they must. "I don't know who to choose..."

Lavi's single eye narrowed, leaving only a sliver of poisonous green glinting venomously. "Leave Bond to me."

* * *

Fun fact: The credit for this one goes to Lt. Commander Richie. Thank you, Tins, for introducing me to this perfect meme for our dearly beloved skank!


	4. GLORY

Allen was having a crazy sense of déjà vu as he ran through the forest. Since when the hell does Innocence get swallowed by creatures? He prayed that it wouldn't have the same effect as Lenalee's – he seriously doubted even the Order could make an Exorcist out of an animal. Well, not in this case. It wasn't the same as with Lau Jin and that… that lion.

Allen abruptly came to a stop when he came to a small clearing, finding his target facing a group of similar creatures, all eerily lined up like a military unit. There wasn't enough time to be freaked out by the behavior of the simple creatures; there was no telling when Akuma could show up next or his target spat up the Innocence and it changed possession again.

Trying to gain control of his panting, Allen readied his hands and crept forward a few careful steps. With a yell, he leaped and successfully caught his prey in mid-air when it tried to spring away.

Behind him, Kanda came crashing through the undergrowth of the forest. Breathing equally as hard, he tucked Mugen into his belt and propped his hands on his hips.

The Japanese Exorcist nodded down at Allen's back, his eyes meeting those of the target. "So this is the thing with the Innocence?"

"Uh huh." Allen nodded also, looking down into the face of their target and its strange expression. "Komui said so... Wonder what itHYPNOTOAD CAN DO EVERYTHING."

"YES."

Allen stood and turned mechanically, moving in unison with Kanda as they made their way back to the group of Finders at the beckon of their master. Their irises glowed in the night; a sickly undulating mass of flashing yellow and black.

They spoke as one. "ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD."

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Fun Fact: It's thanks to Tins that I learned the story behind this meme. Thank yoALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD.


	5. YOU LACK PENIS

Lenalee took a silent, deep breath of air and opened her mouth to speak when the room's occupant beat her to it.

"What do you want?"

The Chinese Exorcist stopped wringing her hands in nervousness and deliberately fisted them at her sides. Cerise had her back to Lenalee and she continued stretching on the floor, her torso bent towards both hands wrapped around the right sole of her ballet flats bound feet, her legs spread in a wide V.

"I…" Lenalee frowned slightly. Today, she was not going to be intimidated by the French girl's scathing demeanor. Today, she would make a stand.

Refusing to talk to her back, Lenalee walked forward and around until she was facing Cerise. She kept her gaze resolutely on the lowered head of blonde curls not paying her any mind. "I would like your help, Cerise."

"Hmph," the older girl snorted, switching to her left foot but not bothering to look up at Lenalee. "The princess would ask help of me?"

"Yes." Lenalee nodded to herself. "I… I don't want to stand by and be helpless ever again without my Innocence. I don't want to rely… just on them." Her dark eyes drifted down to the four crystal red rings that encircled her ankles. She may have accepted her curse for now, but she did not always want to rely on the God she hated so much.

When Lenalee looked back up she found a pair of sharp blue eyes returning her gaze. Cerise looked like she had paused in mid-stretch, as she was leaning forward with her hands on her bare shins.

Her expression remained stern and slightly bored. "So what would you ask of me?"

"I'd like to train with you, if you don't mind. You… have such strong legs."

A blonde brow rose in a show of interest. "You've been looking at my legs?"

A reply tried to stutter from the Chinese girl's lips but failed. She began to wring her hands again and fought back a blush as she watched those critical blue eyes sweep slowly down and up her body.

"Hmm… sit down." Lenalee obeyed, automatically tucking her black stockings-covered legs under her. Cerise clucked her tongue. "No no no, your legs, put them out."

Lenalee blinked and unfolded her limbs, stretching them out like Cerise had but not as wide. The blonde girl repositioned herself to lean forward on her knees, her right hand coming to theleftof Lenalee's red kitten-heeled slippers adorned feet. Her pale fingers pressed against the small tendons there and trailed up, touching the ankles under the red crystals before smoothing her full palm up Lenalee's shin.

"…This will not do." With her thick French accent, Cerise's voice always seemed somewhat soft, even though her words were often cutting. But now that voice began to affect Lenalee fully, and that blush began to bloom on her cheeks from the proximity the girl before her was leisurely closing.

Lenalee began to lean back on her hands and still Cerise came forward, her left arm bracing her and her right hand meeting the bare skin of Lenalee's thighs. The Chinese girl could hear her heart beginning to pound frantically in her ears, becoming more and more flustered by this girl who was touching her unashamedly in only a white strapless leotard and the Innocence wrapped around her neck.

"This, this is fine," Cerise continued, her eyes and fingers on Lenalee's hip. "But down there, is no good. You are weak. Why are you so weak?"

Lenalee had looked down, unable to meet the blue eyes so near her, but found herself looking up again when the fingers of Cerise's left hand gripped her chin and jerked her gaze up.

The French Exorcist was almost crawling over her, her right hand bracing itself on Lenalee's hip. Her head tilted and her full lips moved.

"It is because you lack – "

"Eep!" Lenalee squeaked when her dark eyes flicked past Cerise and beyond to the door. Puzzled, the older girl paused and turned to look over her shoulder.

There in the doorway to the room, Allen stood with grey eyes slightly widened yet not quite as surprised as one would expect. Opposite of him, Kanda stood stock still, and Lenalee assumed he was outraged from the grim line of his mouth and severe frown and incredulous eyes; but at what, she had no idea.

Between them, Lavi looked like he about to take a step backwards, his gaping mouth opening and closing like a fish and green eye looking like it would burst from his head. Eventually his gaze settled and a wide grin slowly took over face.

"Oh, uh, hey… don't mind us." He raised his hands in a double thumbs-up. "You girls just continue… whatever it is you're doing. Right on."

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Fun fact: There's an illustration to go with this chapter. :D And while I know the featured lines here aren't a meme recognized by the glorious Encyclopedia, I like them, and I like Itachi, neverminding the slutty martyr he was turned into.


	6. DON'T GO

"Ah, there you are, Allen." Komui looked up from the mess of his desk and fixed the grey-haired Exorcist before him with a slightly concerned stare. "I've been trying to get a hold of Lenalee but no one's returned with her yet. Could you go and see what's up?"

"Eh… sure." Allen sighed, for the moment thwarted from his hourly raid of the cafeteria. He didn't think too much of it on the way to Lenalee's room, just assuming that perhaps everyone got side-tracked what with all the issues going on at headquarters.

But when he turned the final corner to the room he only took a moment to be shocked before surging into action.

In front of Lenalee's door lay several strewn bodies that looked like they were drowning in their own blood.

_Were they attacked? Is there an Akuma? Why didn't my eye activate?!_

"Hey!" He kneeled down and shook the body of a Finder. He didn't move. "Dammit!"

Allen growled and activated Crown Clown, ready to burst into the room where the enemy lied when a hand grabbed his ankle. He looked down, startled. "Lavi!"

"A-Allen…" The older Exorcist looked like he had barely managed to hang onto consciousness, struggling to speak his last to Allen even now with his mouth and chin covered in blood. "Don't… don't go in there, Allen…"

"Don't worry, Lavi, I'll avenge you all!" Allen turned and kicked open the door.

Lavi's warning fell on deaf ears. "It's a trap!"

Allen froze at the sight before him.

He was met with a startled gasp, a flushed face that seemed surprised to see him, an annoyed glare, two heads of mussed bobbed black and curly blonde hair, a tangle of slim limbs and _a lot_ of sweaty skin.

His only reaction was to deactivate his Innocence and _slightly_ raise a pale eyebrow. "…Huh."

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Fun fact: Thanks to Cross, it's pretty much assumed that Allen is quite desensitized to these kinds of things. Much love the dgrayman lj community!


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